The Bridge: The Final Frontier

These are the voyages of the Starship U.S.S. Boursault on a continuing mission to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly sit where no one has sat before….

Stardate 01232010. Having just left Earth spacedock after the latest patch a recent retrofit, we were taking the Boursault on a shakedown when we received an aid call from Lt. Reynaldo Fabulous and the crew of the U.S.S. Wensleydale on patrol in the Bhea System.

I immediately headed for the turbolift to the bridge to get underway.  Arriving from the turbolift, I was pleased to see my bridge officers, Science Officer Cron, Tactical Officer S’Vek and Engineering Officer Delon already at their stations preparing to get underway.

I confidently strode across the bridge barking orders:

Skronk:  “Helm, set a course for Bhea System and step on it.  We don’t want Lt. Fabulous getting his hair mussed. ”

S’Vek:  “Aye sir.  Plotting course to Bhea System now.”

Skronk:  “Cron, what do we know about the Orion Syndicate’s presence in Bhea?”

Cron:  “Reports indicate the Syndicate has established a presence in Bhea. At last report they’ve constructed 7 drydocks to service their criminal fleet.  Numerous reports of Syndicate fleet activity in and around Bhea.”

Delon:  “Lt. Skronk, we’re receiving subspace communications from the Wensleydale.”

Skronk:  “On screen.”

Delon:  “Um, that’s just eyecandy Lieutentant.  Having trouble pulling the signal in, channeling audio now.”

Lieutenant Reynaldo Fabulous: “Boursault, this is the Wensleydale.  We’re taking heavy fire in the Bhea System.  Orion Syndicate cruisers and battleships are pounding us.  Heavy casualties.  We’re doing what we can, but we can’t hold out much longer.”

Skronk:  “Help is on the way, Lt.  In the mean time, try some aloe vera for that sunburn and redirect all power to the shields.  Boursault, out.  Dammit, S’Vek what’s taking so long?  And what the hell is wrong with this chair?”

Where's Herman Miller when you need him...

S’Vek:  “Helm is not responding, sir.  Its like the controls are … all for show.  They don’t doink anyting.”

Cron:  “Fascinating.  Your chair seems… in operative, sir.”

Skronk:  “Dammit Cron, I want answers, not excuses.  Delon, get me in this CHAIR! I can’t say ENGAGE standing like a fool!”

Delon:  “Didja try /sitting?”

Skronk:  “Its not responding.”

Cron:  “Maintenance logs indicate that sitting functionality is contained the the emote subsystem.  The sitting subsystem may be accessed by intiating an emote sequence with the desired sit functionality.”

Skronk:  “What’s that in English, Cron?”

Cron:  “Try /e sit, Sir.”

Skronk:  “You’ll have to do better than that.  Recomendations?”

Cron:  “System specifications indicate the presence of command functionality for commissioned officers.  Try /e sitcaptain, Sir.”

Bones! I can't feel my legs!

Skronk:  “Getting warmer Cron.  What was your class rank at Starfleet anyway?”

Cron:  “264 out of 311, Sir.  Perhaps, if we were to try to beam you into the chair….?”

Delon:  “Lt. Fabulous on subspace again, Lieutenant.”

Fabulous:  “Boursault, what’s taking so long?  They’re tearing us apart.  Shields are down and we’re taking damage to the structure.  Life support is failing.  My sickbay is overflowing.  We can’t hold out much longer.”

Skronk:  “We’re almost underway, Fabulous.  Bridge systems are not responding.  We fear the Orion Syndicate may have infiltrated Starfleet and sabotaged our controls.  We’re rerouting command functions now.  Stand by.  Boursault out.  Dammit, people are going to DIE unless someone gets me in this CHAIR!”

Delon:  “Why doon you try sneakin up on the chair?”

Skronk:  “I feel like a damned fool, but you may be on to something, Delon.  Cron, prepare to intiate emote sequence.”

Cron:  “Aye, sir.  /e sitcaptain on your mark.”

Skronk:  “MARK!”

Skronk:  “Excellent work crew.  S’Vek, set a course to Bhea, maximum warp.”

S’Vek:  “Helm is still not responding, sir.”

Skronk:  “Cron, what the hell kind of a bridge is this?”

Cron:  “Curious.  Ship engineering schematics indicate that command functions such as travel, navigation and combat are only available in tactical view.  As such, the Bridge would seem superflous at this time.”

Skronk:  “Cryptiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!!!  Attention, all hands, abandon the bridge immediately and return to tactical view.  This is not a drill.  And get this boat to Bhea!”

S’Vek:  “Helm is responding now, Lieutenant.  Settink course for Bhea system, maximum warp.”

Skronk:  “Engage!”

14 thoughts on “The Bridge: The Final Frontier”

    1. LMAO!!!! The funniest commentary on the disfunctionality of STO that I have read to date. Well done!!!!!!!

  1. That was pretty hilarious. Sad thing is all new STO Captains will be going through the same troubles.

    This should be a suitable replacement to the Koyabashi Maru at Starfleet Academy! ;)

  2. There should be a disclaimer at the top: “Don’t read this while you are enjoying your morning cup of tea”… Who is going to clean up this mess now…

  3. Hysterical! Coopertopper pointed me to this after a WTF picture on my blog about sitting in the chair. I mean, I can get over the deck being all window dressing. But seriously, having no clearly visible interaction to sit in the captain’s chair is fail.

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